9 Exceptional Mindsets of Parent-Leaders

I’m increasingly coming to believe that being a better parent is about being a better leader. Specifically, a better parent-leader.

But when people think about leadership, they often relate it to figureheads of organisations and businesses and countries. Leadership carries a non-domestic connotation that belongs outside a home. Yet every father and mother assumes some form of leadership role within the family—the household, the kids, themselves.

In his momentous rise to become the pride of his nation, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky did not want to be looked upon as a hero. “I really do not want my pictures in your offices, for the president is not an icon, an idol or a portrait,” he said in the 2019 presidential inaugural address, “hang your kids’ photos instead, and look at them each time you are making a decision.” You want to make them proud. You want to inspire them. You want to lead them. For they are watching you at every step of the way. This demands you to be an ever-improving parent-leader.

So one way or another, you and I could benefit from learning the best parent-leadership mindsets listed below I've curated over the years of studying this topic. By no means is this list exhaustive—there are countless creative ways parents can maximise leadership in their families. If you could, however, apply a couple of them to your life, I’m confident you’ll become a better parent-leader.

9 parent-leadership mindsets

A parent-leader chooses courage in the face of fear. It may be hard to admit, but parenting can be frightening. Whether you’re making decisions for their education, health, or future, the truth is we don’t always have all the answers, let alone the right ones. Acknowledging that you might be mistaken requires a great deal of introspection: are you truly making the best choices for your children, will my children be noticeably different from the rest of society? Yet I’m always reminded of what Franklin D. Roosevelt said about fear and courage: “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” We live in a time where it takes radical boldness to stand up, to stand out, and to speak the truth for our kids when everyone else is doing the opposite. A parent-leader is one who is filled with doubt and anxiety—full of fear—yet chooses to do the right thing he sees as absolute necessity for his family, regardless of outcome or acceptance. Absolutely no one, NO ONE, who desires change can do so without courage. This is powerful because courage is not siloed—it’s contagious. But so is cowardice. If you lack courage, your kids will lack commitment. No matter the challenges you may face as a family, the parent-leader acknowledges the fear and chooses, above all, the path of courage.

A parent-leader does not offload his duties to others. It has been said that parents are the child’s first teacher. True it was centuries ago, even so today. A parent-leader’s responsibility is literally everything concerning the child. It’s not that of the school teachers or the government or the education material or their grandparents. It’s your mission. It’s your sole responsibility to show your kids the way.

A parent-leader listens more than he speaks. How many mouths do we have? One. How many ears do we have? Two. It's crazy I know, but biology has wired us to speak less and listen more. Though it’s takes a great deal of self-discipline to contain the urge to nag, parent-leaders know that in order to speak into the lives of their children—with authority and influence—they must first do what’s counter-intuitive: listen. It's not a sign of weakness or a lack of control over your offspring. It’s a sign of compassion and understanding and love, and parent-leaders exhibit this without fear-mongering. Parent-leaders cannot lead their families until they see their children clearly, which can only be done by listening attentively to their needs.

A parent-leader invests in himself with consistent self-development. Self-development does not happen overnight. It takes years and years of discipline to reach a level of expertise, even as parents. Yes, you can improve your parenting skills through consistent practice and reflective-experience. Parent-leaders intentionally set aside time amidst their busy schedule to invest in getting better. Read. Write. Learn. Ditch the screen, pick up new skills. Your growth determines who you are as a parent. Who you are determines how you influence your children. How you influence your children determines how they influence others. Exemplify to your kids what life was meant to be: constantly growing as an individual, even if it’s just a point one percent increase every day. This leads me to the next point.

A parent-leader acknowledges he doesn’t know everything. The day a parent-leader says he knows it all will be the day he stops leading his family. Worst still, he feigns perfection in front of his children. To lead your kids in the right direction, great parent-leaders strive to be humble. They do this by trading in their pride to say “I don’t know” to focus on becoming better grown ups.

A parent-leader exhibits guidance over heroism. Your children wake up every morning with one thing in their mind: to conquer the day ahead while having as much fun. Yet they know they can’t do it on their own. They need help. Parent-leaders don’t sit on this, so they assume the role of a loving guide—one that does not focus on themselves as the strongest, most capable person in the family—and intentionally journey with their kids who are struggling to make sense of their day. Guide your children, for they are lost without you.

A parent-leader knows the price of parenting is expensive, yet accepts it as his mission. Raising children is exhausting. Raising children can stir up a whirlwind of emotions. Raising children can sap the life out of you. But parent-leaders don’t let these "hardships" overshadow the joy that comes with empowering the family. Parent-leaders acknowledge that if they are going to guide their kids in this mission of life, things will get ugly. Disappointment will happen. Pain will be felt. Great parent-leaders put their skin in the game and fight till the very end.

A parent-leader embodies self-discipline. I wrote about this recently in light of the abuse cases at a preschool in Singapore. Being an educator, much like being a parent-leader, is all about self-discipline—the kind that goes something like, “regardless of what’s happening, I choose not to look down on children. I will treat them as equal humans beings deserving of respect.” Parent-leaders see beyond the small stature of children. Parent-leaders recognise they are more capable than we think. It requires you to uplift them and give them a voice and help them find confidence and journey with them towards being a responsible, creative human being—a conscious effort we must choose every single day. This begins with self-discipline.

A parent-leader makes leader-shifts regularly. The world is moving at an ultra-fast pace that everything is progressing in an increasingly shorter time frame. What took ten years now takes five. What took five years now takes two. What took two now takes one. Our children live in the same world as us, and there will be a time where they need to fend for themselves. The parent-leadership strategies of the past may not always be relevant today, so “as leaders,” John Maxwell said, “we can’t drag our feet or take too long making assessments. We have to change, reread our situation, and change again. And continue changing.” This applies to everything—from parenting methods, to technology-doctrine, to education approach. Great parent-leaders adapt. They shift. Not just for themselves, but for their children too. They don’t remain static because the world does not remain static. Truth is, the inflexible, virtuous parent who cannot adjust, amend or adapt (and therefore unable to exemplify it for their kids) is no different from a fragile individual who only cares about himself. Parent-leaders know that nothing is certain, and the only certainty is knowing we need to be constantly leader-shifting. “You cannot be the same, think the same, and act the same if you hope to be successful in a world that does not remain the same.” When you are adaptable, your children will follow suit.

You are a work-in-progress

Maria Montessori once said:

The child...undergoes a transformation: the impressions not only enter his mind, but they also form it. They are embodied in him. The child creates his own “mind,” using things that are in the environment. We have called this type of mind an Absorbing Mind.

Children's minds are like sponges. They learn by living, by listening, by absorbing. Their minds are malleable, adaptable, and already at a young age are they influenced by the central figures of their lives.

Parenting, much like the quest for wisdom, is a lifelong journey. Nobody demands you to have all the answers, and perfection is far from our reach. Mistakes have been made and will be made. Since we can't become "better" overnight, parent-leadership is best described as an ongoing voyage of self-discovery, self-control, and self-enhancement.

You are a ‘work-in-progress’. It requires consistent practice and a deliberate consciousness to want to be better. We can’t change the past, but we can write a better future. Hang our kids' photos on our walls. Be better, not just for ourselves, but for those who are always watching us.

Be well,
Miss G (@gladyssoh)